At least I beat Jennifer Lopez

So boy gets fat, boy moves to California, boy signs up for a half marathon (fear is a great motivator), boy loses weight.

After the half (that's runner talk for Half Marathon), I decided to go big or go home (that's what they say here) and do a triathlon. I am getting into the habit of signing up for races when I'm not physically able to complete them. After paying the entry fees, I go, "crap. Now I have to workout so I don't embarrass myself." So I signed up for the Malibu Triathlon in March, and then went, "crap. Now I have to find a bike, train to ride it for 18 miles, and train to swim 1/2 a mile (I already owned a speedo)."

Fast forward to September 14th, and I'm setting up my transition area at 4:30 in the morning. I saunter over to the bathroom for my morning meditation, and pass by Matthew McConaughey. I inform Jennifer, who moves faster than she ever has at 0 dark 30 to see him (she's sort of a fan). I squeeze into my wetsuit, and Jennifer and I move towards the main stage. As we're walking, we suddenly get surrounded by 20 paparazzi. I'm like, "I'm famous!" But then I turn to my left, and there he is. Matthew McConaughey himself. I'm walking right next to him! So what do I do? What any normal person would do, I start posing behind him, giving the thumbs up sign, goofy smiles, the works. I've been picking up every tabloid I see this week, but so far I can't find myself in the background of any Matthew McConaughey shot. J. Lo seems to be dominating.

The swim? Well, lets just say I made it. I also ran into Jon Cryer. Seriously. Ran into him. What did I say? I said, "hey! I was gonna ride that wave in!" He laughed and said sorry and I go, "no problem. See you later, Jon." Like we're best buds.

The bike? I dominated. I was Lance Armstrong. I passed everyone. I passed all the amputees that beat me out of the water. (Jennifer was quite worried when legless men were emerging before her incredibly athletic hubby).

The run? Average. I saw Jon Cryer again and said hi. He didn't remember me. Jerk. Matthew McConaughey finished like 15 minutes before me. But I beat J. Lo.

Pics!